The Randomness: 8 Villains That Should Be in the Next Batman Movie

The Randomness is my name for a new category of columns and posts that don’t really fit anywhere else. They have no connecting themes, nor do they have any set schedule. Hence, The Randomness.

Yesterday, Warner Bros. officially announced July 20, 2012 as the release date for the long-awaited “Dark Knight” follow-up. Nothing else about the film is yet known, except that Christopher Nolan will once again direct a script from Jonathan Nolan and David S. Goyer. (We can assume Christian Bale and a handful of other franchise regulars will return as well.) Everything else remains a secret.

The big question, of course, is: which villains will show up this time? Fans are eager to see rogues gallery favorites like the Riddler or Catwoman get the same sinister upgrade that we got from Heath Ledger’s Joker. But let’s be honest here – between the countless movies and cartoons, the top tier baddies have been played out. It’s time to give Gotham City’s lesser known criminals some time in the spotlight. Here are eight such villains, along with predictions on how Nolan will reinvent them for modern audiences:


The Bouncer!The Bouncer!

Real name: Unknown

M.O.: Wears a rubber suit that lets him “bounce higher than anything known to man!”

Nolan upgrade: Kills Gotham’s top crime boss (Djimon Hounsou). Challenges Batman to basketball showdown. (Batman wins using top secret Flubber technology; asks Morgan Freeman to destroy it when the game’s over.)

Will be played by: Jude Law


The Calculator!The Calculator!

Real name: Noah Kuttler

M.O.: Wears a calculator that helps him predict the outcome of any battle.

Nolan upgrade: Kills Gotham’s top crime boss (Djimon Hounsou). Attempts to buy out Wayne Enterprises by predicting stock market. (Batman wins by hiring Goldman Sachs executives; asks Morgan Freeman to regulate them when it’s over.)

Will be played by: Daniel Day-Lewis


Clock King!Clock King!

Real name: William Tockman / Temple Fugate

M.O.: Is punctual. Manipulates others’ perceptions of time by moving the hands on their clocks when they’re not looking.

Nolan upgrade: Kills Gotham’s top crime boss (Djimon Hounsou). Threatens to destroy a local hospital unless the city council repeals Daylight Savings Time. (Batman wins after luring the villain to Chicago, then informs him “Minute to Win It” is, inexplicably, on an hour earlier; asks Morgan Freeman to delete the show from the DVR when they’re done watching.)

Will be played by: Ralph Fiennes


Egghead!Egghead!

Real name: Unknown

M.O.: Is “world’s smartest criminal.” Loves egg puns. Is bald.

Nolan upgrade: Kills Gotham’s top crime boss (Djimon Hounsou). Deduces Batman’s secret identity, threatens to reveal the “eggciting” truth on live television. (Batman wins when another villain interrupts the live program with a more interesting plot; asks Morgan Freeman to keep this whole subplot in the movie anyway, since it adds a good fifteen minutes of filler.)

Will be played by: Jeremy Irons


The Eraser!The Eraser!

Real name: Lenny Fiasco

M.O.: Wears a giant pencil costume with an eraser top that can “erase every clue” from crime scenes.

Nolan upgrade: Kills Gotham’s top crime boss (Djimon Hounsou). Begins a crime spree that leaves no evidence behind. (Batman wins by reminding him that he doesn’t really do any detective work in these new movies, so all this “no evidence” stuff is pointless; asks Morgan Freeman to pull his finger and “detect” what he had for lunch.)

Will be played by: Anthony Hopkins


Gorilla Boss!Gorilla Boss!

Real name: George “Boss” Dyke

M.O.: Had brain transplanted into the body of a giant gorilla. Uses new gorilla-ness for general crime spree and/or rampage purposes.

Nolan upgrade: Kills Gotham’s top crime boss (Djimon Hounsou). Steals all of Gotham’s banana supply. (Batman wins by jumping over all the barrels and reaching the top of the screen; asks Morgan Freeman for another quarter.)

Will be played by: Philip Seymour Hoffman


Kite Man!Kite Man!

Real name: Charles “Chuck” Brown

M.O.: Flies around on a hang-glider, which isn’t really a kite.

Nolan upgrade: Kills Gotham’s top crime boss (Djimon Hounsou). Jumps off rooftops at night, in IMAX. (Batman wins by telling him a hang-glider isn’t really a kite; asks Morgan Freeman to do scenes from “Lean on Me,” then giggles like a girl when he gets to the part about “you can call me Batman.”)

Will be played by: Johnny Depp


Mr. Polka-Dot!Mr. Polka-Dot!

Real name: Abner Krill

M.O.: Can peel off the numerous polka-dots on his suit and turn them into weapons, vehicles, and other non-dot things.

Nolan upgrade: Kills Gotham’s top crime boss (Djimon Hounsou). Peels off the numerous polka-dots on his suit and turns them into weapons, vehicles, and other non-dot things. (Batman is killed by a dot. Morgan Freeman, too. There’s no other way the movie can end.)

Will be played by: Nicolas Cage

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