Five Ideas for Qwikster, Now That Qwikster Is Dead

In a fit of indecision better suited to Shakespearean Danes, Wheel of Fish contestants, and/or people in line in front of you at Starbucks, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings announced today the company was abandoning its plan to separate its DVD rental and video streaming services, effectively killing the much-mocked Qwikster before it even got started.

Qwikster

As of today, the Qwikster.com URL redirects you right back to Netflix.com. But if I know how the internet works (and I’m sure I do, thank you very much), Hastings still has all that prime internet tube real estate sitting unfilled. With what can the Netflix honcho fill it? Here are five ideas. Reed, I hope you’re listening.

1. For $9.95 a month, Qwikster will have a guy on staff who can come over any time you want to play SceneIt? (or, for an extra $2/month, Pop Culture Trivial Pursuit).

2. For just $8.95/month, Qwikster will allow you to watch videos of Netflix staffers telling you what happens in all the movies not currently available to stream on Netflix. (Example transcript: “Dude, and then Optimus Prime was all ‘crrrrrchnkkkkk’ and Megatron went ‘pewpewpew!’ It was sweet.”)

3. For a mere $7.95/month, Qwikster provides you with the opportunity to argue – via email, instant message, or phone – with a guy who can never remember anything correctly about movies but always thinks he does. Think of all the “Tom Hanks was not in The Truman Show!” debates you’ll have!

4. For a measly $6.95/month, log in to Qwikster to view a complete archive of three weeks’ worth of “let’s make fun of Qwikster” posts from around the web. It’ll be like it’s late-September/early-October 2011 forever!

5. For $5.95/month (what a deal!), you get instant access to a knowledgeable Qwikster employee who will show you how Bit Torrent works.

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